Diet / continuous
The bowl
Simon eats with the focus of a man defusing something. He has never once left the bowl believing the matter settled.
Simon
An editorial indexof small offenses
Bite-arcnavigation &scroll cue
Family note /adored, regrettably
Not malicious. Merely opinionated. And frequently incorrect.
01 / Profile
The subject
Fig. A / the subject at restPhotographed under duress
Simon is a sausage dog of considerable circumference and no discernible doubt. Brown, hairy, and built along the lines of a draught excluder, he has spent his short life developing from a small proud dachshund into a substantially larger one.
What follows is an honest account. It is not entirely flattering. He would not want it to be.
Specification
BreedDachshund, standard
CoatBrown. Hairy. Unbrushable
BuildGirthy
Clearance23 cm, on a good day
Temperament, thenFormerly actionable
Temperament, nowFamily friendly
Favoured outletSoft furnishings
Loved byThe entire family
02 / Incidents
The Biting Era
Before the procedure, Simon held strong views about visitors and expressed them at approximately face height. He was small enough to be underestimated and quick enough to make the point. What follows is the complete record, kept for posterity and, at one stage, for insurance.
01
The doorbell doctrine
Any bell, any door, any hour. Simon regarded the doorbell as a personal accusation and answered it accordingly.
SevereVerdict / Severe02
The face incident
A visitor bent down to say hello. Simon, generously, met them halfway. The visitor recovered. The friendship did not.
ActionableVerdict / Actionable03
The plumber
Held at bay behind a baby gate for forty minutes while maintaining uninterrupted eye contact.
No contactVerdict / No contact04
The Christmas photograph
Simon appears in three of eleven frames. In the remaining eight he is being carried out of shot.
UnrepentantVerdict / Unrepentant03 / House notes
After the procedure
Simon was neutered on a Tuesday. By Thursday he had forgiven everyone. The aggression left him completely and was replaced, in roughly equal volume, by appetite and affection — the second of which is directed almost exclusively at soft furnishings.
Soft toys / besieged
The outlet
Every plush animal in the house has been claimed, courted and comprehensively disappointed. The couch is also involved. He remains hopeful.
Rest / earned
The aftermath
Between engagements he sleeps on his side like a felled log, one paw resting on whichever toy is currently in favour.
The Glow-Up — a before-and-after character-development timeline
The turning point
- 01 / Then
The Biting Era — a small brown menace who greeted guests fangs-first.
- 02 / A Tuesday
The Snip — the turning point that changed everything.
- 03 / Now
The Reformed Good Boy — family-friendly, well-behaved, and thick.
He is a good boy now.Thick, but good.
04 / Care
Visiting Simon
He is safe now. He would like you to know that he was always safe, which is untrue, but it matters to him.
House rules
- 01
You may approach. He no longer holds opinions about your face.
- 02
Do not mention the couch. He knows what he did.
- 03
Anything left at ankle height is considered a gift.
- 04
He will lean on you. Accept it early; resistance only prolongs it.
- 05
Do not feed him. He will tell you he has not been fed. He is lying.
Enquiries
Arranging a visit, requesting a photograph, or lodging a historical complaint — all of it reaches the family here.